This isn't necessarily all about Sheffield United, but they do play a massive part in the story I'm about to tell so I think this is the best place to put this post. I've never really spoken about my personal struggles with mental health before, I think I just brush it off as something that happened a couple of years ago and that it doesn't affect me anymore because I'm doing something that I enjoy and keeps me occupied. But the fact of the matter is that it's still there. It still gnaws away at me every so often. I still doubt and second guess myself on a pretty regular basis and that's because I never got/get help with what I'm dealing with. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a couple of years ago thankfully and that's why I'm writing this, I want to share my story.
So a couple of years ago I was in college and up until then I was pretty carefree and doing pretty well. I was doing well in classes and I had friends that I thought I could turn to if I ever needed anything. Everything was great. Even Sheffield United were doing great. Then everything took a turn for the worst. It turns out those 'friends' had been talking about me in a group chat that I wasn't a part of and they said something that really affected me. It also didn't help that at the exact same time I began to become disillusioned with the college. Teachers were getting my name wrong in classes and some just weren't turning up at all, couple that with the fact that my sister was really struggling with secondary school, it wasn't a great time. All of a sudden I stopped going to college on Thursdays. I had Maths classes in the morning because I was resitting my GCSE but I just stopped. I did at first email in to say I wasn't coming in but then I'd just pretend I overlaid or that I was too sick to email the teacher. In reality I would just lay in my bed and watch my phone's clock slowly pass by the time I was supposed to be in college. I stopped going to my A Level classes in the afternoon soon after that, I just couldn't face a teacher who didn't really seem to know my name. It was such a small thing, but I took it so personally. So at this point, I only had one friend who I knew I could count on, I didn't really get out of the house anymore and I didn't talk to my family about what was happening. My Mum was dealing with what my sister was going through and I could see she was stressed out all the time, I didn't want to further burden her so I kept quiet and just kept on struggling. During this period there was one bright light that kept me going and that was Sheffield United. Whilst I was at my lowest ebb, United were soaring. Chris Wilder was bringing pride back to a team that had seemingly lost all of it the season before and we were absolutely destroying League One. Sheffield United became the thing that I looked forward to. When Saturday came, I knew I could go to Bramall Lane and forget all my problems for a while and watch 11 guys run through brick walls for the club that I adore. But then the weekend ended and it was back to worrying and being so alone. By the end of my first year of college I was ready to leave. I just wanted to get away. I'd talked it over with my form tutor and it looked like I'd be going to Barnsley College. But that didn't happen and just like that I was back at Hillsborough. I was still very anxious about going back but something changed. I think the real change was in my Sociology class, the first year was a mess for Sociology and it continued into the second year. Slowly but surely, it was almost like us as a class bonded over our mutual dislike of what was happening in Sociology. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was part of something that mattered. We all hated what was happening with our class and that brought us closer together. It may have been a pain to learn in but bloody hell I loved going in there for the people. Everyone was genuinely lovely and I hope they've all gone on to have success in whatever they've chosen to do because every one of them deserved success. Anyway, at the end of the college year I got my results and... oh boy were they bad. I got a D, an E, and a U. I remember calling up clearing that same day in blind hope that something might come up for Uni. Nothing did. And just like that, for the first time in my life I was rudderless. I didn't have education to keep me occupied, I had nothing. Whilst everyone was out at Uni, I was going to staring down the barrel of the abyss. Where do I go now? I stared applying for jobs but no one ever got back to me. I applied for apprenticeships but they didn't get back to me either. I was falling back into that dark hole again. I felt worthless. I felt like no one wanted me and that I'd never get a job or have any future prospects. But then my mum told me about Sheffield Futures and a job opening they had for their Young Advisors post. I expressed my interest in the post and I got invited to taster session of what being a Young Advisor would entail. It all sounded so positive and then I was pencilled in for an interview. The interview happened and they said they'd get back to me in a couple of days. A couple of days came and I still hadn't had a call yet. I'd already started feeling awful because I thought I hadn't got it. I was going to have to go back to getting rejected all the time. Then I got a call, it was from my boss. She said I had the job! For the first time in a long time I was euphoric. They took me on! I'd done it! I was employed! From that day on, everything has become a lot better, I've met new people that are absolutely incredible and that are an absolute joy to work with, I've become confident in my abilities again, I feel almost whole again. There are still days when I feel awful and when I second guess myself and there are days when I feel like I've said the wrong thing to someone and that they won't want to speak to me again. But those days are only every so often now. But I still think about those days when it was really bad and when I thought that I'd never succeed at anything. I know that there are people out there who are struggling like I did and to those people who may feel like that I say please don't give up. You are loved, you are valued and that help is closer than you think. It will get better, I promise you that.
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AuthorHi my name is John and i will be giving my thoughts on the blades matches and all blades related news in this section Archives
November 2022
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